How This Guide Is Different — Read This First (Q only)

The leader brief, in one line: every man names one person and one specific habit he caught from them, then turns the mirror forward and names one person who is close enough to catch his, plus the one habit he’ll let that person see up close this week. Habits get passed on by being close to someone, not by being told. “My dad taught me to work hard” isn’t an answer. “My dad was in the truck by 5:15 every morning, even the day after my grandmother’s funeral, and I’ve never called in sick in 22 years” is.

Before the cold open: last Friday every man wrote two sentences about one area he’d been maintaining and named one person he’d hand it to. Take the reports first. Keep it quick: “Did you hand it over? What did they say back?” An honest “I didn’t” is fine. Then say: “Last week was about saying it plainly. This week is about the part that speaks louder than anything you say.”

A note on the chapters. Q2.4/Positive Habit Transfer came up on July 17, when we asked what one habit you could build to strengthen a family relationship. That week was about building a Brick. This week is about how Bricks get passed on at all. The chapter’s main line is the whole QOW in nine words: “A man cannot give away what he himself does not possess.” It says a HIM passes on habits “through word and deed,” by modeling them, and that trying to pass on a habit you don’t keep “would be like trying to start a fire with a cold ember.” It also gives a warning every man in the circle will recognize: “Bad Habits are easy to slip into, but hard to break. Positive Habits are hard to develop, but easy to slip out of.”

Q4.3/Apprenticeship (it came up July 10 and September 25) gives us the how: “An apprentice first watches, then helps and finally does.” And it gives us the close: “Because the apprentice is carefully watching, it is incumbent upon the master that he meet or exceed the Standards that he has set for the apprentice.” Q1.6/Shorties brings it home. It says, “The quality of a man’s relationship with his children defines the quality of their relationships with everyone else for the rest of their lives. If he is absent, they will be distrustful. If he is capricious, they will be unjust. If he is cold, they will be withdrawn.” That’s Baldwin’s line in QSource language. On August 28 we said someone is already following you. This week gets specific: what are they picking up?

A note on the verses. Five things to know before you read them to the circle.

• Philippians 4:9 has four verbs: learned, received, heard, seen. The first two are teaching handed down. The last two are Paul’s life — “in me.” Half of what Paul passed on, the Philippians got by watching him. Then the command: practice these things. That’s a habit.
• 2 Timothy 1:5 is a three-generation chain: grandmother Lois, mother Eunice, then Timothy. The word “sincere” means unhypocritical, a faith with no act to it. Worth knowing: Timothy’s father was a Greek (Acts 16:1), and Scripture never says he believed. Timothy’s faith came through his mom and grandma, and then Paul became his father in the faith (“To Timothy, my true child in the faith,” 1 Timothy 1:2). For the man in the circle who had no father worth copying, that’s good news. God supplies the men.
• 1 Corinthians 11:1 has a condition: “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.“ Copy a man only as far as he’s copying Christ. That cuts both ways. It’s how you sort the habits you caught, and it’s the standard for the ones you’re passing on.
• 1 Timothy 4:12 isn’t just for young men. Paul tells a young leader that being young isn’t an excuse for not setting the example — “in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.” For an older man, the point is the same: there’s no age when you stop being watched.
• Proverbs 22:6 is a proverb, not a promise. It describes how life usually goes, not a guarantee. Samuel was a faithful man, and “his sons did not walk in his ways” (1 Samuel 8:3). If a man in the circle has a grown child who walked away, this verse is not a verdict on him. Read it carefully.

One note on the quotes. The Durant line is almost always credited to Aristotle. It’s actually Will Durant summarizing Aristotle in The Story of Philosophy (1926). The idea is Aristotle’s. The sentence is Durant’s.

The traps in this QOW. There are five, and each one lets a man talk without answering.

• Trap one — the generic answer. “My dad taught me to work hard.” “My grandpa taught me integrity.” Those are labels, not habits. Push: “What did he actually do? Show me a Tuesday.”
• Trap two — the highlight reel. A man names only the good habits he caught. Every man caught a few he didn’t want. Ask: “What did you pick up that you’ve had to fight?” But don’t force it.
• Trap three — the blame trap. “I’ve got my dad’s temper. That’s just how I am.” Caught isn’t destiny. Scripture has a whole line of kings who broke their fathers’ patterns. Push gently: “Okay. Is that where it stops, or where it keeps going?”
• Trap four — “Nobody’s watching me.” The single guy, the empty nester, the man without kids. Someone is: a nephew, a new hire, the FNG at the AO, the guy two cubes over. Ask: “Who’s close enough to you that they’d notice if you changed?”
• Trap five — teach it, don’t live it. A man decides to give his son a talk about a habit he doesn’t keep himself. Q2.4 shuts that down: you can’t give away what you don’t possess. The close isn’t a lecture. It’s letting someone see it.

Five rules for the Q running this:

1. Go first, and make it real. Name your person, the specific habit, and one habit you caught that you didn’t want. If you only give the good one, every man after you will too.
2. Get three things from every man: the person he caught it from, the habit, and the person catching his.
3. Use the prompt every time. “What did they do that you still do today?” If he stays vague, use the sub-prompt: “Did they tell you, or did you watch them?”
4. Close enough to see, not a speech. The close isn’t “go talk to someone about a habit.” It’s “let someone see the habit up close.” Ride along, work alongside, open the door. Q4.3 calls it the watch-stage.
5. Write it down and follow up. Write every name and habit down. Next Friday, open by asking: “Who saw it? What did they see?”

The prompt, if you need to reset the room: What did they do that you still do today? Then wait. The first answers will be funny (the way you fold towels, the phrase you swore you’d never say). The real ones usually come third or fourth.

The close: Someone is already watching you. Live it before you teach it. This week, pick one person and let them see the habit up close.

One caution on tone. This QOW reaches back into childhood, and that is tender ground. Some men caught their best habits from their fathers. Some caught their worst. A few men in the circle may have grown up around drinking, rage, or a dad who left. Let a man say as much or as little as he wants. Never press for the story behind a bad habit. If something heavy comes up, thank him, and offer to talk after. Some men are grieving the person they’re about to name. Let them. The QOW can also go wrong in two other directions: a nostalgia session, where men tell great stories about grandpa and never turn the mirror forward, or a guilt trip, where a father walks out convinced he’s ruined his kids. What we want from each man is one person, one habit, one person watching him.

Facilitator Notes under each question tell you what to listen for, how to restart a stalled room, and where to push. You won’t use all fifteen questions. Pick 6–8 and give each one time. Q2 and Q3 are the QOW and the prompt, so don’t skip them. Q6 and Q11 are the leader’s follow-up questions. Q15 is the close, so don’t skip that either.

Q1: Think of the best man you’ve ever been around for a long stretch — a dad, a grandfather, a coach, a sergeant, a first boss. What’s one thing he did every single time, without fail?

Facilitator Notes:

• This is the warm-up. It’s easier to describe a habit in someone you admire than to examine your own. Start there.
• Listening for: specifics. “He shook every man’s hand when he walked in.” “He never let a tool go back in the box dirty.” “He prayed before every meal, even at a restaurant.” “He was always 15 minutes early.”
• If the room stalls, ask a simpler one: “What’s one thing your dad or grandpa did that you could pick out of a crowd?”
• Tie it to Durant: notice that nobody describes these men by one great moment. They describe what the men repeatedly did.

Answer: When men describe the best man they ever knew, they almost never describe a speech. They describe a pattern: he was always there early, he always kept his word, he always fixed it right. That’s Durant’s line in real life: “We are what we repeatedly do.” The men who shaped us most weren’t remembered for what they said once. They were remembered for what they did every time. Q2.4 defines a habit as “a regular tendency that is hard to give up,” something done “at a measurable interval,” until a man does it “without active thought.” Scripture calls us to pay attention to men like that: “Remember your leaders… Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith” (Hebrews 13:7, ESV). Paul could say to Timothy, “You, however, have followed my teaching, my conduct, my aim in life, my faith, my patience, my love, my steadfastness” (2 Timothy 3:10, ESV). Notice how much of that list is conduct, not teaching. Concrete step: name the one thing that man did every time. Hold on to it. You’ll come back to it in Q15.

Why This Matters: You already know what a good habit looks like from the receiving end. Somebody is going to describe you the same way someday. The question is what they’ll say you always did.

Q2 (THE QOW): Whose habit did you pick up — name the person and the habit — and who’s picking up yours?

Facilitator Notes:

• This is the main question. Everything else supports it. Get two names and one habit from every man: who he caught it from, what the habit is, and who’s catching his.
• Then use the prompt: “What did they do that you still do today?” (That’s Q3. Run it right after.)
• Turn away labels kindly but firmly: “Integrity” → What did that look like on a normal day? “Work ethic” → What time did he get up? What did he do when he was sick?
• A specific answer sounds like: “My grandfather read his Bible at the kitchen table every morning before anyone was up. I do the same thing, same table spot, and my daughter’s started coming down early.” “My first foreman checked every job twice before he’d let us leave. My guys complain that I do the same thing.” “My dad never said ‘I’m sorry.’ Ever. I’ve had to learn to.”
• Watch for trap four: “Nobody’s picking up mine.” Ask, “Who’d notice if you stopped?”

Answer: Every man in this circle is the product of somebody’s habits. Paul told Timothy where his faith came from: “I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well” (2 Timothy 1:5, ESV). Faith moved from grandmother to mother to son, by living in the same house. Q2.4 says the same thing in plain terms: a HIM passes on his positive habits “through word and deed,” and he “Persuasively models his own positive Habits to ignite a desire for change in others.” Habits don’t travel by announcement. They travel by proximity. That’s why the second half of the QOW matters more than the first. Somebody is in your house, your truck, your crew, or your AO right now, and they’re catching something. Paul could tell the Thessalonians, “you became imitators of us and of the Lord” (1 Thessalonians 1:6, ESV), because they’d been close enough to watch. Concrete step: say two names out loud — the person you caught it from and the person catching yours — and the one habit that connects them.

Why This Matters: Most men have never connected the man behind them to the man in front of them. You’re a link in a chain. The question is what you’re passing down the line.

Q3 (THE PROMPT): What did they do that you still do today? Did they tell you to, or did you just watch them?

Facilitator Notes:

• This is the leader’s prompt as its own question. Run it right after Q2, while the names are fresh.
• Listening for: how many habits were watched, not told. Almost every answer will be watched. Point that out when you hear it.
• Push deeper: “Did he ever explain why he did it? Or did you figure it out years later?”
• Use the flight-instructor story from Q2.4 if the room needs an example. (It’s in Q9 if you want to save it.)
• Listening for: the habit a man didn’t realize he had until someone pointed it out. “My wife told me I do the same thing my dad did when I’m angry. I’d never noticed.”

Answer: Baldwin’s line holds up in almost every answer: children aren’t good at listening, but they never fail to imitate. Edgar Guest said, “I’d rather see a sermon than hear one any day.” Most of what you still do today, nobody ever told you to do. You saw it enough times that it became yours. That’s what Q4.3 calls the watch-stage: “An apprentice first watches, then helps and finally does.” Elisha learned to be a prophet that way. When Elijah called him, Elisha “arose and went after Elijah and assisted him” (1 Kings 19:21, ESV). Years of watching and helping. When Elijah was taken, Elisha cried, “My father, my father!” (2 Kings 2:12, ESV). He’d asked for “a double portion of your spirit” (2 Kings 2:9, ESV), and he got it, because he’d stayed close. Jesus said, “everyone when he is fully trained will be like his teacher” (Luke 6:40, ESV). Not “will know what his teacher said.” Will be like him. Concrete step: name the habit, and say whether you were told or you watched. Notice the answer.

Why This Matters: If you were trained by watching, so is everyone watching you. What you do is the lesson. What you say is the footnote.

Q4: Edgar Guest said, “I’d rather see a sermon than hear one any day.” What’s a “sermon” you’ve seen a man live that you’ve never forgotten?

Facilitator Notes:

• This is the story question. Let men tell one specific moment: a man who forgave someone, stayed when he could have left, told the truth when it cost him, cared for a sick wife for years.
• Listening for: men who say “he never said a word about it.” That’s the point.
• If the room stalls, ask a simpler one: “Who’s someone you respect who never once lectured you?”
• Push deeper: “Did that moment change something you do?”

Answer: Most of the sermons men remember were never preached. A father sitting with his wife every day in the nursing home. A boss who took the blame in front of his own boss. A coach who showed up at the funeral. A man’s life preaches whether he opens his mouth or not. Scripture says it’s how the early church spread. The leaders in Jerusalem looked at Peter and John and “perceived that they were uneducated, common men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus” (Acts 4:13, ESV). Nobody needed a lecture. They could see it. John wrote, “Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth” (1 John 3:18, ESV). And James warns the man who stops at hearing: “be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves” (James 1:22, ESV). Q2.4 says the same: a HIM “will gain Influence through the exercise of his own positive Habits.” Concrete step: name the sermon you saw. Then ask yourself what sermon the people around you saw from you last week.

Why This Matters: You’re preaching every day to people who will never hear you speak. Make sure the sermon they see is one you’d want them to repeat.

Q5: Not every habit you caught was a good one. What’s one you picked up that you’ve had to fight?

Facilitator Notes:

• This is the honesty question. Go first, and make it real but safe: a temper, a way of shutting down, a way of handling money, drinking to unwind, never apologizing.
• Handle with care. Some men caught habits in hard homes. Never ask for the story behind it. The habit is enough.
• Use Q2.4’s three kinds of habits: negative (damaging to you or others), neutral (a waste of time), positive (a Brick). Most men can name all three.
• Watch for trap three: “That’s just how I’m wired.” Answer it with Josiah (in the Answer below).
• If the room stalls, ask a simpler one: “What’s one thing your dad did that you swore you’d never do — and then caught yourself doing?”

Answer: Q2.4 is honest that habits come in three kinds: negative, neutral, and positive. And it warns: “Bad Habits are easy to slip into, but hard to break.” Scripture shows how bad habits run in families. Of the nations resettled in Israel it says, “Their children did likewise, and their children’s children—as their fathers did, so they do to this day” (2 Kings 17:41, ESV). Proverbs tells a man to stay away from a hot-tempered man, “lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare” (Proverbs 22:24–25, ESV). You can catch a habit you hate just by being near it long enough. But Scripture also shows the chain breaking. King Amon “walked in all the way in which his father walked” (2 Kings 21:21, ESV). His son Josiah, eight years old when he took the throne, “did what was right in the eyes of the LORD and walked in all the way of David his father” (2 Kings 22:2, ESV). Josiah went back past his own father and grandfather to find a better man to follow. God says plainly, “The son shall not suffer for the iniquity of the father” (Ezekiel 18:20, ESV). What you caught explains where you started. It doesn’t decide where you end up. Concrete step: name the habit you’ve been fighting. Then name the better man you’re following instead.

Why This Matters: A habit you won’t name is a habit you’ll pass on. Fight it in yourself, or someone you love will have to fight it after you.

Q6 (LEADER FOLLOW-UP): When have someone’s words and habits sent different messages? Which one did people follow?

Facilitator Notes:

• This is one of the leader’s follow-up questions. Most men have a story: the dad who said “don’t drink” with a beer in his hand, the boss who preached work-life balance and emailed at midnight, the coach who said “respect the ref” and got ejected.
• Listening for: the answer is almost always “the habit.” Let the room notice that.
• Push deeper: “Where are your words and habits sending different messages right now?” Give it a beat of quiet.
• Use Matthew 23:3. Jesus had a one-line description of this problem.

Answer: When words and habits disagree, people follow the habits. Every time. Jesus said of the religious leaders, “so do and observe whatever they tell you, but not the works they do. For they preach, but do not practice” (Matthew 23:3, ESV). Schweitzer said, “Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.” That may overstate it a little, but not by much. Your words tell people what you think matters. Your habits show them what actually does. Q2.4 says passing on a habit you don’t keep “would be like trying to start a fire with a cold ember.” Kids are the best detectors of this. A father who tells his son to control his temper and then loses it in traffic has taught one lesson, and it isn’t the one he said out loud. That’s why Paul’s charge to Timothy has two parts: “Keep a close watch on yourself and on the teaching” (1 Timothy 4:16, ESV). Yourself first. Concrete step: name one place where your words and your habits don’t match right now. Pick which one has to change. It’s usually the habit.

Why This Matters: Men think a good speech can cover a bad habit. It can’t. When your words and your life disagree, everyone watching will believe your life.

Q7: Durant says, “We are what we repeatedly do.” If someone watched only your last 30 days — not your intentions, just your calendar and your habits — what would they say you value most?

Facilitator Notes:

• This is the mirror question. It moves from “who shaped me” to “what am I actually doing.”
• Make it concrete: “Your phone’s screen time. Your bank statement. Where you were at 9 p.m. most nights. What would those say?”
• Listening for: the honest gap. “They’d say I value work.” “They’d say I value my phone.” “They’d say I value being left alone.”
• Don’t let it become a guilt spiral. Name it, then move on to Q8.

Answer: Intentions are invisible. Habits aren’t. The people closest to you don’t see what you meant to do. They see what you did, again and again. Durant’s point, drawn from Aristotle, is that character isn’t built in a big moment. It’s built in the repeated ones. Your kids don’t know what you value. They know what you repeatedly do, and they assume those are the same thing. Paul understood this when he told Timothy, “Practice these things, immerse yourself in them, so that all may see your progress” (1 Timothy 4:15, ESV). All may see. Q1.6 is blunt about what children absorb: “If he is absent, they will be distrustful. If he is capricious, they will be unjust. If he is cold, they will be withdrawn.” Those are habits, not moments. Paul admitted how hard the gap is: “For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing” (Romans 7:19, ESV). Every honest man knows that feeling. Concrete step: look at your last 30 days. Name one repeated thing you’d be glad to see in your son, your nephew, or the new guy. Name one you wouldn’t.

Why This Matters: You can’t hide your habits from the people who live with you. What you repeatedly do is the only version of you they’ll ever copy.

Q8: Q2.4 says, “A man cannot give away what he himself does not possess.” What habit do you want to pass on that you aren’t actually keeping yet?

Facilitator Notes:

• This is the trap-five question. Many men want their kids to read the Bible, eat better, put the phone down, handle money well, and they aren’t doing it themselves.
• Listening for: “I want my kids to have a faith of their own, but I don’t really pray outside church.” “I want my guys to show up on time, and I’m the one who’s late.”
• Push deeper: “If your son copied you exactly on this one, would you be happy?”
• Use the Guardrails idea: the chapter says a HIM has to keep his own Bricks in place “long enough to pass them on.”

Answer: This is where most fathers and leaders get stuck. We know what we want the people behind us to have. We just don’t have it ourselves yet. Q2.4 says it plainly: “It is axiomatic that no man can give away what he himself does not possess.” It adds a second warning: “Without Accountability, a HIM will not be able to keep his own Bricks in place long enough to pass them on to anyone else.” You can’t hand someone a Brick you’ve never laid. Scripture tells leaders the same: “Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works” (Titus 2:7, ESV), and “not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock” (1 Peter 5:3, ESV). Moses told the fathers of Israel that God’s words had to be “on your heart” first, and only then, “You shall teach them diligently to your children” (Deuteronomy 6:6–7, ESV). Heart first, then the kids. Live it before you teach it isn’t a slogan. It’s the order things have to go in. Concrete step: name the habit you want to pass on that you don’t keep. Start keeping it this week, and don’t say a word about it to anyone yet.

Why This Matters: Men love to talk about the habits they want for their kids. The fastest way to give it to them is to start doing it yourself and let them notice.

Q9: In Q2.4, a flight instructor makes his student redo the entire preflight checklist because he skipped half a step. Who held you to a standard long enough that the habit finally stuck? What did it cost them?

Facilitator Notes:

• Tell the story briefly. On his first lesson, the author took off in 45 seconds, but the instructor spent 20 minutes on the preflight. Later the author skipped running his hand along the elevators. The instructor kept the key until he did the whole checklist over, in the Texas heat. When he asked why, the instructor said it was “respect for the dead,” because every item on the list was there because a man had died without it. When asked where he learned to teach like that, he said, “From my flight instructor.”
• Listening for: the drill sergeant, the coach who made them run it again, the mother who made them redo the chore, the boss who sent the report back three times.
• Push deeper: “Did you thank him? Did you understand it at the time?”
• The payoff: the man who held the standard also passed on how to hold it. “From my flight instructor.”

Answer: The instructor in Q2.4 knew something most of us learn late: you don’t pass on a habit by mentioning it once. You hold the standard until it sticks. The author admits, “By nature I am not a careful man,” and the instructor saw that and taught him “in a way that would stick.” Then comes the best line in the chapter. When asked where he learned to teach that way, the instructor said he learned it from his own flight instructor: “He transferred positive habits to me, and now I’ve transferred them to you.” A habit held to a standard gets passed on twice: once as the habit, and again as the way to teach it. Scripture is honest that this kind of training doesn’t feel good: “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11, ESV). And it costs the trainer something. It would have been easier for that instructor to let it slide. The chapter ends, “None of us alone is a great man. We all stand on the shoulders of giants.” Concrete step: name the man who held you to the standard. If he’s alive, tell him this week what it did for you.

Why This Matters: It’s easier to let a skipped step slide than to hand back the key. The men who made you better were usually the ones willing to be unpopular for a while.

Q10: Q4.3 says, “An apprentice first watches, then helps and finally does.” Habits pass by being close. Who have you let close enough to actually watch you — not just hear you?

Facilitator Notes:

• This is the proximity question. Many men are around their kids, their crews, and their PAX, but nobody really sees them. The kids see Dad leave and come back. The crew sees the boss in meetings.
• Listening for: “My son’s never seen me at work.” “My guys don’t know how I make decisions. They just get the result.” “My daughter’s never seen me pray.”
• Push deeper: “What would it take to bring someone along for the watch-stage?” Ride along to the job, let a younger man sit in on the hard call, let your 2.0 see you do the thing.
• Use the platoon story from Q4.3 if the room needs it: the lieutenant who hoarded his job so he’d be indispensable, then got “killed” in an evaluation and his platoon failed without him.

Answer: The watch-stage only works if someone can see. Jesus understood that. When He chose the Twelve, Mark says He “appointed twelve… so that they might be with him and he might send them out to preach” (Mark 3:14, ESV). Before He sent them, He kept them close. Being with Him came first. Paul did the same: “we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves” (1 Thessalonians 2:8, ESV). Q4.3 tells a hard story about what happens when a leader keeps people at a distance. A young platoon leader made sure his men knew their own jobs, but none of them knew his. He’d kept it to himself “so that I would be indispensable.” When the evaluators “killed” him, the platoon fell apart. If nobody’s close enough to watch you, nobody can catch what you’ve got. The chapter’s conclusion: “The Virtuous Leader makes himself dispensable.” Concrete step: name one person who hears from you but never actually sees you do the thing. Find one way to bring him along this week.

Why This Matters: Habits don’t pass through walls. If you want someone to catch it, you have to let them close enough to see it.

Q11 (LEADER FOLLOW-UP): Who in your circle — home, work, or the gloom — is close enough to catch your habits right now?

Facilitator Notes:

• This is one of the leader’s follow-up questions. It turns the mirror all the way forward. Get a name from every man.
• Walk the three areas: home (M, 2.0s, a grandchild), work (the new hire, the guy who reports to you, the coworker who asks your advice), the gloom (the FNG, the man who just started Qing, your Shield Lock).
• Listening for: the man who realizes it’s someone he hadn’t thought of. “My nephew’s been riding with me to his games. He’s 14. He hears everything I say on the phone.”
• Watch for trap four: “Nobody really.” Push: “Who sits closest to you, the most hours a week?”

Answer: Someone is already close enough. Proverbs says, “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm” (Proverbs 13:20, ESV). That verse works both ways. Somebody is walking with you, and they’re becoming like you. The question isn’t whether anyone is catching your habits. It’s who, and what. Paul told Timothy to pass things along on purpose: “what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men, who will be able to teach others also” (2 Timothy 2:2, ESV). That’s four generations in one verse: Paul, Timothy, faithful men, others. And Paul told a young man that age was no excuse: “Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12, ESV). Five areas, and every one of them can be seen. Q1.6 says a father “is to his children as the needle point of a compass is to the pencil.” Their lives draw wider and wider circles, but they all trace back to where he stood. Concrete step: say one name out loud. Then name which of Paul’s five areas — speech, conduct, love, faith, purity — that person sees the most of from you.

Why This Matters: You don’t get to choose whether you’re an example. You only get to choose what kind.

Q12: Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go.” Lois and Eunice passed a “sincere faith” to Timothy at home. What do the young people around you see you do with what you believe when nobody is preaching?

Facilitator Notes:

• This is the Shorties question. Aim it at fathers, but include every man: grandkids, nephews, the kid down the street, the 20-something on your crew.
• For men who aren’t Christians, make it about values: “What do they see you do with what you believe — about honesty, about work, about how to treat people — when you’re not talking about it?”
• Listening for: “They see me go to church. That’s about it.” “They see me pray at dinner.” “They’ve never seen me read a Bible.” “They see me apologize to their mom.”
• Handle Proverbs 22:6 carefully. It’s a proverb, not a promise. If a man’s grown child has walked away, don’t let this become a verdict. Samuel was faithful, and his sons still went their own way (1 Samuel 8:3).

Answer: Timothy’s faith didn’t come from a program. It came from a kitchen. Paul says it “dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice” (2 Timothy 1:5, ESV), and later reminds him, “from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings” (2 Timothy 3:15, ESV). The word “sincere” means unhypocritical, a faith with nothing fake in it. Kids can smell a faith that’s only for Sunday. They also notice one that shows up on Tuesday. Moses described the training: “talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise” (Deuteronomy 6:7, ESV). That’s not a class. It’s a life lived in front of them. Paul tells fathers how not to do it, too: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4, ESV). Proverbs 22:6 describes the usual pattern, and it’s a real encouragement. But it isn’t a guarantee. Samuel’s sons “did not walk in his ways” (1 Samuel 8:3, ESV). Your job is to be faithful in front of them. Their hearts belong to God. Concrete step: name one thing you believe that the young people around you have never actually seen you do. Let them see it this week.

Why This Matters: You’re training them whether you plan to or not. The faith they see at home is the one they’ll believe is real.

Q13: Paul said, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.” Could you say “Imitate me” to the man behind you? Where would you have to add, “…but not that part”?

Facilitator Notes:

• This is the hardest self-examination question. Most men laugh nervously and say no. That’s the honest answer. Let it sit.
• Point out the condition: Paul didn’t say “copy everything I do.” He said “as I am of Christ.” He was pointing past himself.
• Listening for: the “not that part” list. “Not how I talk when I’m angry.” “Not how I handle money.” “Not how I am with my phone.”
• Push deeper: “What would it take to shorten that list by one item this year?”
• For men who aren’t Christians: “Could you tell a younger man, ‘Do it the way I do it’? On what?”

Answer: “Be imitators of me” sounds arrogant until you read the rest: “as I am of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1, ESV). Paul wasn’t saying he was perfect. He was saying he was following Someone, and that others could follow him as far as he was following well. He said it again to the Corinthians: “For though you have countless guides in Christ, you do not have many fathers… I urge you, then, be imitators of me. That is why I sent you Timothy… to remind you of my ways in Christ” (1 Corinthians 4:15–17, ESV). Paul’s confidence wasn’t in his own record. It was in the One he was copying. That’s freeing. A man doesn’t have to be flawless to be worth imitating. He has to be honest, pointed in the right direction, and quick to own the parts that aren’t worth copying. Often the best habit a father passes on is how to say “I was wrong.” Scripture promises, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9, ESV). A son who watches his dad confess learns that the chain can be fixed. Concrete step: name the “not that part” item at the top of your list. Then tell one person close to you that you’re working on it.

Why This Matters: Nobody is asking you to be a perfect example. They’re asking you to be an honest one, pointed at Someone better than you.

Q14: The habits you caught don’t have to be the last word. Where does a man find the power to break a bad pattern and start passing on a better one?

Facilitator Notes:

• This is the deepest question. It moves from willpower to grace.
• Listening for: men who have tried to break a family pattern on grit alone and keep sliding back. That’s real, and it’s the setup for the gospel.
• Tie it to Ephesians 5:1: we imitate God “as beloved children” — from being loved, not to earn it.
• For men who aren’t Christians: “What’s helped you change a habit that ran deep? Was it ever just willpower?”

Answer: Most men try to break a bad pattern by gritting their teeth. That works for a while. Q2.4 admits why it doesn’t last: “Positive Habits are hard to develop, but easy to slip out of.” Willpower can change a behavior for a month. It takes something deeper to change what a man is. Scripture says that deeper thing is God Himself at work in you: “it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13, ESV). And it says how He does it. We become like what we keep looking at: “we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another” (2 Corinthians 3:18, ESV). That’s habit transfer at the deepest level. You become like the One you stay close to. So Paul says, “be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us” (Ephesians 5:1–2, ESV). Children imitate because they belong, not to earn their place. And God promises that a family’s story can turn. He visits sin to the third and fourth generation, but shows “steadfast love to thousands of those who love me” (Exodus 20:6, ESV). A chain of bad habits can run three or four generations. A chain of grace can run a thousand. Concrete step: name the pattern you’re trying to break. Stop trying to break it alone. Bring it to God, and bring it to one man in this circle.

Why This Matters: You may be the man in your family where the pattern turns. That doesn’t start with more effort. It starts with staying close to Christ.

Q15 (THE CLOSE): Name one person who’s close enough to catch your habits, and one habit you want them to catch. When and where will they see it up close this week?

Facilitator Notes:

• This is the close. Every man answers, and nobody passes.
• Give 60 seconds of quiet first. Let each man think of the face, not just the name.
• Three parts, every man: the person, the habit (specific, observable, something he already keeps or will start today), and the when and where (a real day, a real place where that person will see it).
• Remind them: this isn’t a talk. It’s letting someone watch. Q4.3’s watch-stage. No lecture required.
• Write it all down. Next Friday, open by asking each man, “Who saw it? What did they see?”
• Read the commitments back before you pray.

Example answers — what a real answer sounds like:

• The dad: “My son is 11. The habit is reading my Bible in the morning. I’ve been doing it in my office with the door shut. This week I’m doing it at the kitchen table, starting Monday, when he comes down for breakfast.”
• The work guy: “Marcus started on my team six weeks ago. The habit is how I handle an angry customer: I call them back the same day and own it. I’m bringing him on the call Tuesday instead of telling him about it afterward.”
• The AO guy: “The FNG who posted three times this month. The habit is showing up early to set up and staying to clean up. Saturday I’m asking him to help me haul the gear and come to coffeeteria.”
• The husband: “My M. The habit is apologizing when I’m wrong instead of going quiet. That’s the one I caught the wrong way from my dad. Next time it happens this week, I’m saying it out loud — with the kids in the room.”
• The grandfather: “My grandson stays with us Wednesday nights. The habit is praying before bed. He’s going to kneel with me this week instead of me tucking him in and leaving.”

The test: a real answer includes a person, a habit someone could see, and a day and place. Push back on these:

• “I’ll be a better example” → Of what? What will they see?
• “My kids” → Which one? Where will they be when they see it?
• “I’ll talk to him about it” → Not talk. When will he watch you do it?
• “Sometime this week” → What day?
• A habit he doesn’t keep → Do you do that now? Start there first.

Answer: Paul gave the whole close in one verse: “What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you” (Philippians 4:9, ESV). Heard and seen. Most of what anyone will learn from you this week, they’ll learn by seeing it. Q4.3 says, “Because the apprentice is carefully watching, it is incumbent upon the master that he meet or exceed the Standards that he has set for the apprentice.” That’s the weight of it. The freedom of it is that you don’t need a speech. You need to keep one good habit where someone can see it. Don’t announce it. Don’t explain it unless they ask. Just let them watch. If they ask why, that’s when you tell them. And don’t quit if nobody seems to notice: “let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9, ESV). Someone is already watching you. Live it before you teach it. Concrete step: say your person, your habit, and your day out loud, right now.

Why This Matters: The habits you pass on will outlive you. Pick one person. Pick one habit. Let them see it up close. Report back next Friday.

“F3 is not a religious organization but we do ask that you believe in something higher than yourself. I am a Christian, so I will lead us out in a Christian reflection and prayer.”

Closing Prayer

Father, thank you for the men and women who went before us and lived their faith where we could see it. Forgive us for the habits we’ve passed on that we never meant to, and for the times our words and our lives have told different stories. Thank you that in Christ no pattern is beyond your power to break, and your steadfast love runs to a thousand generations. Make each man here a man worth imitating, not because he’s perfect, but because he’s following your Son. Give us courage this week to let someone close enough to see what’s real. Let the people watching us see Jesus. In His name we pray. Amen.